Orlando Columnist Goes A Little Overboard
June 1st 2009 19:41
This guy.....
So last night, my friend alerted me to this column from the Orlando Sentinel's Mike Bianchi, something I clearly missed during my scanning of local coverage on the Finals.
What I read over the next five minutes was so filled with bias and homerism that it would make Bill Plaschke blush.
I was okay for the first seven-or-so paragraphs of this story besides the terrible "LeBron is LeGone" joke. But then all of a sudden I turn my eyes to this.
"So I'm not going to try to write history today; I'm going to write chemistry. I'm going to write about how this team — this inspiring, perspiring, amazing, curtain-raising team — shocked and showed the world that you really can do anything if you work together."
Perspiring? Seriously? Were there literally Magic fans sitting on their couches around the country dabbing a towel to their sweat-covered foreheads while watching any of the games? If they were, they should seek immediate medical attention because that can't be anything good.
Also, they showed the world you can do anything if you work together? Was Cleveland not working together? I know LeBron James' supporting cast was pretty pathetic for most of the series but it's not like they weren't trying. This isn't the Miracle on Ice. For someone who said he wasn't going to try and write history, you're sure trying pretty hard to do so Mr. Bianchi.
It doesn't get much better after this, unless you like laughing, which of course, I do.
Bianchi goes on to ask if Nike has a Dwight Howard puppet, I'm sure that Adidas, Howard's sponsor, would raise an objection to that commecial.
He then proceeds to ask who was the MVP in quite the snarky tone. It was LeBron James. We all know it was LeBron James and he proved it in that series whether you want to believe it or not. The man carried that team on his back all season and got them two wins away from his second Finals appearance. Those two wins they got in that series were all thanks to James and his heroics. Stop being bitter no one paid attention to Orlando and enjoy heading to the Finals.
Bianchi already wants to change the name of the local highway to "Van Gundy Way". I guess we really should reward just getting to the dance. Somewhere Jerry Sloan is wondering where his stretch of highway is if this is the case.
But by far, the most hilarious part of this ode to the Orlando Magic was the comparison of Cleveland's notorious bad luck in the sporting world to Orlando's. Epic.
"What about Orlando's tortured sports past? What about the Magic losing the biggest free-agent departure (Shaq) in sports history and signing the biggest free-agent bust ( Grant Hill) in sports history? What about Penny's palace coup? And who will ever forget that sad, depressing day when the Orlando Solar Bears folded?"
I might be willing to give you Shaq. But Grant Hill is the biggest free-agent bust in sports history? Seriously? Would you like to go back and amend this statement? You should. I watched the corpse of Ben Wallace "run" around that court all postseason. After Wallace signed a four year, $60 million deal with Chicago in 2006, he proceeded completely fall off and turn into a shell of the player he once was. It's gotten so bad for Wallace that he's contemplating retirement.
Yet, Grant Hill is the worst free agent bust of all time. I know Hill was injury plagued, but Orlando did not pay 60 million for a defensive specialist. I'm not saying Wallace is the biggest, but I'd put him over Grant Hill, just because of the stupidity of the contract and the lack of production that followed.
Also, the Orlando Solar Bears? An IHL hockey team? I'm just praying that's a joke.
But before Bianchi wrapped this love poem up, he made sure to seal the envelope up with a kiss and some perfume. He gave us the coup de grâce. He decided that his "LeBron is LeGone" bit was so good he was going to do it twice! Brilliance! I can't wait for the next masterpiece. I'm sure it'll be flowing with purple prose about how sexy Stan Van Gundy looks in his t-shirt/blazer combination. I hope you can't wait either.
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